When God says, ‘Build my kingdom’
This article appears in Vocations magazine, Spring 2023. Read this article in the magazine online or download the PDF. To subscribe, click here.
By Sileen Phillips
As I walked to work one morning through bustling streets, my heart was full, but conflicted. Our church service the night before had been such an amazing experience of intimacy with God – like heaven on earth. We hadn’t left the church until 2:45am! That morning, in my heart I prayed, “Lord, I wish that you would change what I do for a living and make it so that what I do every day has to do with you. Why can’t every day be about you?”
I was a young adult at the time. Life went on, and the memory of that church service faded. I forgot all about that whispered prayer – but apparently God didn’t.
As a young person, my career path had always felt quite clear. From the time I was 11 years old, I planned to be an architect. But when we moved from Canada to Jamaica, I discovered that despite my excellent grades, I wasn’t eligible to be part of the pre-engineering program in high school. Why? Because I was a girl. Things have changed by now, but at that time gender was a significant barrier.
After high school I moved back to Canada and was accepted into the architecture program here at a university in Toronto. Of the 40 students in the engineering program, I discovered that I was the only black student. I then looked at the photos of graduating classes, and I had to go back six years to find even one black student. I wasn’t too concerned about that initially – until a professor told me, in front of the entire class, that black students didn’t belong in this program; we belonged in the arts.
I did my best to ignore that comment, and I was doing exceptionally well in all of my other classes. But I didn’t do well in his class. I fought for better grades there, but his public displays of racism were devastating for me.
Eventually I was forced to drop out of the program. I got a second job, and I put away all of my books and hid every reminder of school. I had always been so consumed by learning; but now I never wanted to see a school again.
It took six years until I had the courage to consider studies again – and even then, only because of God’s intervention.
I was walking with my son past a local college, seeing all of the students on their way to classes and feeling really low – when I distinctly heard a voice. I turned around, looking for the speaker, but I quickly realized that it was the voice of God, the Holy Spirit. I knew instantly that this was a turning point. A deep sense of peace settled over me, after six years of feeling like I had been trampled.
The voice said to me, “If you had become an architect, you would have been a great one, but it would have been about you. Instead, I want you to build my kingdom – my kingdom that will not pass away. I allowed those difficult things; you can let them go now.”
“Okay, God,” I replied. “If this is you, you’ll have to show me exactly where to go and how to get there.” I knew I was being a bit of a brat and making excuses.
This happened early in the week. That Friday when I went to church, I bumped into a young woman I hadn’t seen in years. She wasn’t a close friend, just an acquaintance. She said, “Sileen! Guess what I just completed: my Bachelor of Theology degree.”
“Good for you!” I told her, and I quickly started to leave the conversation.
“Come back here!” she said. “All of this week, you were on my mind. So much so, that I brought all of my textbooks along with me, right here. Go and register for the program.” I replied that I didn’t have money for such things, and she told me the school had good scholarships and bursaries. “Apply,” she said. “I’m not taking ‘no’ for an answer.” She handed me the books, the registrar’s phone number, and everything I needed to apply. Soon I recalled my long-ago heaven-on-earth church experience, and my prayer, which God had apparently heard.
That’s how I started on this path of theological studies. Over the last decade I’ve now completed multiple bachelor’s and master’s degrees in theology and religious studies, and an MDiv – all while also working in legislation interpretation and enforcement as my “day job.”
Then in 2020, the Master of Pastoral Studies (MPS) degree drew me to attend Knox College. I had done a lot of informal counseling over the years and was interested in providing spiritual care and psychotherapy formally.
Knox was the first place in the long time that it felt okay to be myself. I really appreciated the teaching and the open style of learning. I was sorry to not get to be on campus much because of COVID restrictions during my MPS; but I hope to also do doctoral studies and spend more time on campus.
My own experience with a mental illness when I was 30 has driven me in the direction of wanting to help people. I can empathize with people who have had psychological encounters. At the time of my mental illness, I was so sick that I wasn’t expected to be able to work again. But prayer works! That’s why I can’t boast about any of my accomplishments; God is clearly the one who helped me through.
My MPS and an interfaith internship experience helped me determine that I want to be in Christian practice, providing emotional and spiritual support. Given all of my experiences and studies, my dream now is to create a centre for spiritual wellbeing and emotional health – a hub of “repair.” It would include a free walk-in clinic for spiritual or emotional counseling, one-on-one and group therapy, and networking with shelters and prison ministry for physical needs. I’m eager to see what’s next.
Sileen Phillips is a 2022 Knox Master of Pastoral Studies graduate.
This article appears in Vocations magazine, Spring 2023. Read this article in the magazine online or download the PDF. To subscribe, click here.